starburst kind of love

combination of an old post and something ive been thinking about for a while...

it started with: tonite i sat snacking on an assortment of starbursts. Nothing unusual in that except i notice i'm eating them differently than i ever have in my life. i'm usually the presort kind of person who just pulls out the ones they like and then slowly picks off the other flavors. well tonight i am purposely setting aside the yellow as i come to them and mindlessly munching the other flavors reguardless of preference. after the third one in a row that was not pink (starburst pink is the only pink i like in the whole world for the record lol) i realize what i'm doing and i laugh hysterically. i was subconciously saving franks favorite starburst for him. This tells me several things about frank and about me.

Obviously he likes yellow starburst. I like him so much i saved him starburst(my second favorite candy in the whole world). He makes me smile even when he is not around. I think of him even when i'm not trying to think about him. We share- and i bring this up because all couples should share and not feel slighted in doing it. The little things about him are important to me. And then I sighed cause everyone should have a starburst kind of love- the kind of love that changes u in so many positive ways but doesn't in essence change the you-ness at all. I am so free with him so happy and so sure just like when the juicy fruitness hits ur tounge it's that good :)

And in honesty i feel this is what we're all after and not even in a romantic way but relationships that validate, inspire,((and original thought ended there)) and make us do goofy things just cause it makes someone else smile. And isn't it nice to every now and again just do things a little differently?? Isn't it grand to be put out of ourselves long enough to consider sweetness in any form even sacrifice??

Several years later, I'm okay to say its not frank who gets my starbursts anymore. Doing things a little differently meant holding onto the candy and not the cute guy I was saving it for. It meant letting go and moving on to bigger and better things. And I for one consider it an upgrade to know myself as I am today even with the stomach aches all that extra sugar brought me ;) And it may seem odd but I want to thank all my exes for the sickly sweet relationships that made me the hopeless romantic that I am. Thank you, LOVE, for the many moments we have shared over the years. And thank you GOD, for the many more amazing ones yet to be experienced.

Now a days, its a king sized pack split down the middle with sean sighing handing over the pinks for oranges :) Its still a starburst love but better than I imagined possible. I wish everyone the same juicy sweetness!

Providence

Providence- a manifestation of divine care or direction. That being said I can now tell you my newest amazed moment in reverence of the awesome universe in which we live: Providence is abundant to thankful hearts.

Recently I had a very interesting conversation with a good friend in which I was told that I always get what I want. Reaction one- well duh i'm a beloved important part of the universe I should get what I want. ((Talk about personality!)) A few well earned giggles and reaction two- I don't always get exactly what I want but i do enjoy what I am given. In all things be thankful and the universe will provide... this lesson continue to show up over and over through out my weekend.

Saturday I lay bored on my couch wishing more than anything that i could go for a hike, meet some new people, and just go have fun in general. My usual hike person is at work until ten :( Maybe I'll motivate myself into a walk but then another friend texts me she's having a cookout and there's no chance i'm getting out of coming over. Okay cool it's a thirty minute walk to her house that makes up for the hike. Of course my sister flips out- there's no way you're walking etc... so i end up getting a ride with her the whole way bummed out about missing a walk on such a pretty day that is now over cast. Still I'm about to have a great meal we can bring the food inside if it rains so i'm staying bouncy. Reminding myself to just be thankful i'm not still bored at home.

I walk around the back of the house and the most adorable guy is standing there surrounded by ten people of which i know maybe three. Two of which try to introduce me to the cute guy who spends the rest of the day checking me out :) The party starts to die down a little early and i'm wondering if i'll be back in bored mode even though i had such a fun day. once again providence shines and before i can get in trouble flirting my cousin texts me. He lives ten minutes away so i walk there from the party. we watch a pretty good movie. Walk back hike accomplished. 20 minutes in an area i'm not used to seeing in the spring very often.

Bonus cute guy forgot his hat and we ended up meeting on the empty back porch. We ended up talking for about an hour before going our seperate ways. Two hours of cleaning up and giggles with my girlfriend and i'm gonna have to rate this a pretty great saturday.

So all in all I did get what i wanted. It wasn't exactly how i'd planned it but it really was just what i needed. However, it's amazing to be reminded that the universe takes care of you when u just go with the flow. Just be open and thankful and happiness will follow.

different definitions

Some relationships are not meant to last forever. The truth of that hurts especially when one person is more in love than the other. See the thing is we all have different meanings for the word love, commitment, forever, and even the word honesty. Within the scope of human interaction there are also different levels of these same words. And people end up heart broken because of it.

I'm trying not to be jaded, all things happen for a reason, I'm smart enough to remember that. I just don't understand how we speak the same language and say completely different things with the same exact words...

shine on

so today was one of those days u just have to admit that you're happy it's over. short version- spent the morning sick, was almost late to work, got in a fight with someone i've been trying to be friends with, said person lied to my boss, work dragged on for the entire ten hour day, was almost out the door and bumped my knee... so why is my tired cranky self not in bed already??? basically because i need to thank the universe for the few good things that happened...

I am greatful that I had chinese for lunch, my boyfriend came and visited me twice (double thanks for extra kisses), i did survive work and even managed to snag an extra couple hours for tomorrow, i no longer have to deal with a fake friend(plus got reminded who the real ones are) and of course the whole reason for this post my daily friendly reminder from the universe:

Bright lights draw the most shadows but they still shine. A long time customer of mine seeing my apparent distress had this to say about the situation- i don't know what they did to hurt u or upset u but if i was a ship lost at sea your smile and kind words would still be my lighthouse showing me the way. This customer has no idea how deeply those words affect me. Not only do i have a tattoo going most the length of my back of a lighthouse(it's supposed to remind me to shine) but I also take very seriously my call to be a light and to help others in this world. The universe sent this person to me not to cancel out what had happened earlier but to remind me that I was still me, still strong, and obviously while hurt still able to shine and help another person.

I started looking at this potentially bad situation as the blessing it was... an out from a situation that has been causing me stress in both my personal and my work life. I was not stupid for trying to show compassion or to develope friendships with new and interesting people. I was not allowing myself to be walked on and lied to and used any further by this person. I was also still my loving self and not only do people recognize it but they return the favor and for the most part act lovingly in return. This person who had hurt me was not the rule of life, but the exception to it. Hurt causes hurt but truth always finds the light. I am not just one light shining in a dark room but part of many lights slowly pushing away thedarkness of the world.

You too are a light. Even on the days you don't want to be or can't see possibly how or why. You choose what u put out to the world. And while some others may try to bring u down to their level of hurt and neglect, love holds u strongly in place so that u can be the light on a dark sea showing a lost someone the way back home.

I do know how the universe loves you, me, even the person who hurt me today. So I call to all of you, my fellow lights to continue to shine on. To allow yourself your emotions but to always also remember that at the core of each of us is someone who is lost needing love. Today it was me, tomorrow it might be you. But if we continue on in love, shining brightly maybe just maybe we can change the human condition so that no-one is left lost at sea...

unfinished projects

I laugh at myself as I go to once again hit the save as draft button. So many started things piling up in the to finish later bin that I'm wondering if i even finish anything at all. And like anyone else in this predicament, I start to get frustrated and stressed out...

Now however I'm reminded that it takes the average person 8 times to finally kick the habit, no author has ever had it perfect on the first draft, and that this silly thing we call life is trial and error. So I'm not as stressed when i take that puff instead of putting the cigarette out early... hey only three today :) But I'm also taking it a little easier on myself. Putting things in some sort of priority and maybe even a tiny bit of perspective.

I know this isn't my usual awe inspiring revelation but hey I'm writing again just by making a little bit more time and putting a little bit less stress on myself... Think about and then finish something you've started or just start sorting out the project bin. U might learn something new about yourself...

Slower is better...

sage advice i never really listened too...

recently i've been put in the position of start dating again or become a hermit. as you should know while i love being at home, i cannot completely cut myself off from the world. nor can i give into complete heart ache and allow myself to see it as a failure on my behalf to do anything other than try to love someone... so ehh things don't work out but then again sometimes they do.

anyways i decided to go on a date! now while we had an amazing time, i'm not a hundred percent ready to jump into something. so at the end of the night when that awkward moment of do i kiss him or make a mad dash for the door arose, i decided neither would be helpful. this little voice in my head reminded me to take it slow. i mean this could be my next best friend or just a guy who i screwed it all up with. so i asked if he would settle for a hug. to my surprise he said yes! to my further surprise and extreme delight he then called the next day to say that not only did he have a great time but that he thought it was a perfect frist date... so score one for me... ten points for him LOL.

the point in all of this is the simple reminder to slow it down a bit. jumping into something you aren't ready for (especially when it involves someone else) is completely not fair to anyone involved. the best advice is to listen to that ittle voice of reason which more often than not will slow you down temporarily but in the long run will pay off for the good.

maybe had i remembered that slower is better i could have avoided that whole drunken weekend post. it just works for almost every situation. let it swish around in your head for a little bit and see if you don't agree. love to all you in blog land.

-ALLIE-

Drunken Weekend

so once again drinking with my brother has gotten me in trouble. I'm starting to think maybe i should read my past blog entries to myself first thing in the morning and then again before i go out... This weekend my bro became a married man! I am so proud & happy for him and his new wife but i am now swearing off wine and certain people who i know.

Short version of the story- I ended up walking down the side of the road at midnite thirty miles from my house with no shoes and spent the rest of the weekend in jail because no-one could/would bail me out.

Insights-
1. choose your designated driver as you would your future wife- if you're picky about them chances are you won't be left on the side of the road.
2. friends and family are gonna let you down but someone will always be there to pick you up.
3. being alone is not bad as long as you can feel the sunshine every now and then.
4. jail food sucks & the beds are even worse- good excuses never to visit there.
5. don't take any second of freedom for granted.
6. life may suck but there's plenty of people who have it a hell off a lot worse than you do.
7. crying is good for the soul... so is punching pillows.
8. the people you surround urself with- say alot about you.

Use them how you will.

-Allie_

Happy Mother's Day

Momma-

For your special day I wanted to write you a poem to tell you exactly all the amazing things you've ever done that make me so happy to be your daughter... Unfortunately I'm not as good at it as you'd have me believe. How can i describe 23 years of unquestionable support and love, not to mention still tie in just how amazing you are in general? I can't...

Without you I would not exist. How trite must the words sound when i go on about when you taught me to talk, or walk, or anything... You gave me life woman! You showed me right from wrong, stood by me when there was no-one else, even protected me from myself a time or two. You have cleanned and kissed booboos, held me while i cried even when it was a stupid reason. You helped me decide who i wanted to be and i never wondered if you were proud of me or if you wished i had done differently. You let me be me more than anyone else I know and I know sometimes you wish there was more you could cram in my head, but from the earliest you showed me security, love, a pride that was not sinful, friendship. You've been with me through heart ache and physical pain and even the times it was both at once. I can only hope to one day be as good a mom for my kids as you are to me.

I may have taught you how to pout but you taught me how to smile and I hope today is full of smiles for you! Not only today but everyday I love you and am thankful god gave me an angel when I was supposed to get a mother! Happy Mother's Day Mom!



OMG!!! I almost forgot my favorite part of any holiday: PRESENTS!!! Aside from a home made dinner by yours truly you will be receiving a shopping trip to the store of your choice at the value of fifty dollars!!! And what does a shopping trip need other than two crazy chicas like us??? COUPONS OF COURSE!!!!







'My mommy loves me more than anybody! You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' -kids on love email-

Two wrongs...

So thanks to recent events in my life, I am forced to make a decision of whether or not i truly want to be the bigger more enlightened being or if i should just throw a hissy fit. Now honestly there are moments, i want to throw in the towel and say "this is just too much" but I'm certain given a few days to calm down i won't still feel this way. Let me explain...

My beloved and I have started arguing... it started simply enough... I got a new job and became more preoccupied with other things. I didn't blow my boy off i just started spending more time sleeping or working, just being apart basically. In my heart i know this was good for us. I tell myself every time I'm dreading work that this just isn't me involved if i don't go. It affects quite a few people actually and aside from basically trying to be responsible to my financial life, I'm trying to uphold the commitment i made my manager when i told her i was reliable. Well this new job is not the problem- the problem is the amount of people i have to interact with in a day and how my boy feels threatened by it. My beloved has in not so kind words basically said that he is insecure because of all the new people and the fact that there is obviously someone better looking or with more money who would sweep my gorgeous wonderful self away.

The first few times I responded with the typical "baby you know you're the only one for me"- even listed a few of the wonderful qualities i see in him. This was a month ago. The semi-endearing "baby are you sure I'm enough?" has become straight out accusations. ((if you know me this is still a character defect i have to work on but it drives me nuts to be accused wrongly let alone accused at all)) So my patient loving nature runs out and the arguing starts.

Mainly because we both feel hurt and like we aren't being heard. Yup i do get it but it doesn't quite stop me from reacting from hurt. This is where i have failled my relationship. Not only have I hurt the man I loved by not responding with heart and reminding him just how crazy I am about him, I'm also hurting myself by not saying what I really feel. To add to the dismay of that revelation, I am also being hypocritical by asking for the one thing i am not giving- understanding.

In essence this guy who would stop the world if i ask him too is craving reassurance that imperfect as he is, he is truly perfect for me. He is begging to be shown love and here i am yelling at him that he doesn't get me and if would stop acting like this it would just fix everything... but am i understanding him by acting like this... obviously my actions would say that i don't get it, that i'm trying to be right. When in reality what i feel is, "cmon u know better why would i do that?" silly me i should just say that. It would be responsible to myself, respectful to my man and honest & helpful to the relationship.

After this latest argument which almost in singledom, I was more or less bombarded with the simple fact, i cannot change him but i CAN change me. In my heart of hearts i want to spend the rest of my life with this man... to me this means i have to be the mature enlightened one and remind myself where he's coming from. The only way to show I am not a cheater is simply to not cheat. The only way to make him stop asking/accusing me is to reassure the little guy inside him who is unsure. This is MY responsiblity to MY relationship. Either I can handle this or I can leave... Lucky for him I've decided I can handle this- lucky for me i honestly believe he's worth it...

Now this does not negate his responsiblity to our relationship(or my mental health) but if someone has to change, please let it be me. There are few simple truths in life that do not change no matter the circumstances... one is that two wrongs do not make a right... so instead of being wrong or right I'm gonna attempt just being me. It's easier that way and if for some reason this relationship isn't the end of all relationships as I feel it is, I can still tell myself at the end of the day I did what was best for the love of me as well as of my boy. Love is easy, relationships are occassionally work but by occasionally reminding ourselves we are responsible to ourselves as well as our partner, maybe it doesn't have to be hard work...

Mike

So as we all know by now, my mother is a major networker. The other day she is hopping through some blogs & notices that Mike has linked to me. Yay! Woohoo! Go me- someone other than my mother and close friend, enjoys what i put on here :) Then double whammie- next to my link it says "it's a good site trust me". One wow! an endorsement. He honestly reads this stuff and further more he likes it. Two ((also known as the moment of doubt)) was he saying this just because I put a content advisor on my blog? So i'm gonna go with one, okay maybe a bit of both and a desperate feeling to confess a bit.

See to my knowledge, my blog has never been reported. I've also never claimed to be child friendly although i do try hard not to demean the message I'm trying to share by using ignorant language. Basically, I put the blocker on. I talk about things here that come from my real life. Sometimes I use to much honesty in the process and hey I'm really not trying to offend anyone here. I'm just trying to work through the things that affect me and maybe share a new perspective with the world as they come to me.

At first the joy of the link was unimaginable, then in slinks fear. Maybe someone will find out i'm not the enlightened sweet thing i pretend to be here... then i realize, I don't need to explain this blog to you all nor am i being anything but me. You can be brave enough to read it after the content advisory or not and miss out on the little tidbits I try to share. So i'm back to being completely exstatic that some stranger decided to give me some linky love.

Mike- Thanks sincerely from my heart. Without this moment I may have never realized why I love this blog so much. I only wish I could give you more than a link and my occasional (not to mention random) blog visits in return...

All that being said- please visit Mike's Blog. Hugs and Love to all in blog land-