So thanks to recent events in my life, I am forced to make a decision of whether or not i truly want to be the bigger more enlightened being or if i should just throw a hissy fit. Now honestly there are moments, i want to throw in the towel and say "this is just too much" but I'm certain given a few days to calm down i won't still feel this way. Let me explain...
My beloved and I have started arguing... it started simply enough... I got a new job and became more preoccupied with other things. I didn't blow my boy off i just started spending more time sleeping or working, just being apart basically. In my heart i know this was good for us. I tell myself every time I'm dreading work that this just isn't me involved if i don't go. It affects quite a few people actually and aside from basically trying to be responsible to my financial life, I'm trying to uphold the commitment i made my manager when i told her i was reliable. Well this new job is not the problem- the problem is the amount of people i have to interact with in a day and how my boy feels threatened by it. My beloved has in not so kind words basically said that he is insecure because of all the new people and the fact that there is obviously someone better looking or with more money who would sweep my gorgeous wonderful self away.
The first few times I responded with the typical "baby you know you're the only one for me"- even listed a few of the wonderful qualities i see in him. This was a month ago. The semi-endearing "baby are you sure I'm enough?" has become straight out accusations. ((if you know me this is still a character defect i have to work on but it drives me nuts to be accused wrongly let alone accused at all)) So my patient loving nature runs out and the arguing starts.
Mainly because we both feel hurt and like we aren't being heard. Yup i do get it but it doesn't quite stop me from reacting from hurt. This is where i have failled my relationship. Not only have I hurt the man I loved by not responding with heart and reminding him just how crazy I am about him, I'm also hurting myself by not saying what I really feel. To add to the dismay of that revelation, I am also being hypocritical by asking for the one thing i am not giving- understanding.
In essence this guy who would stop the world if i ask him too is craving reassurance that imperfect as he is, he is truly perfect for me. He is begging to be shown love and here i am yelling at him that he doesn't get me and if would stop acting like this it would just fix everything... but am i understanding him by acting like this... obviously my actions would say that i don't get it, that i'm trying to be right. When in reality what i feel is, "cmon u know better why would i do that?" silly me i should just say that. It would be responsible to myself, respectful to my man and honest & helpful to the relationship.
After this latest argument which almost in singledom, I was more or less bombarded with the simple fact, i cannot change him but i CAN change me. In my heart of hearts i want to spend the rest of my life with this man... to me this means i have to be the mature enlightened one and remind myself where he's coming from. The only way to show I am not a cheater is simply to not cheat. The only way to make him stop asking/accusing me is to reassure the little guy inside him who is unsure. This is MY responsiblity to MY relationship. Either I can handle this or I can leave... Lucky for him I've decided I can handle this- lucky for me i honestly believe he's worth it...
Now this does not negate his responsiblity to our relationship(or my mental health) but if someone has to change, please let it be me. There are few simple truths in life that do not change no matter the circumstances... one is that two wrongs do not make a right... so instead of being wrong or right I'm gonna attempt just being me. It's easier that way and if for some reason this relationship isn't the end of all relationships as I feel it is, I can still tell myself at the end of the day I did what was best for the love of me as well as of my boy. Love is easy, relationships are occassionally work but by occasionally reminding ourselves we are responsible to ourselves as well as our partner, maybe it doesn't have to be hard work...
